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03.08
Going Pop
By Donald Christiansen
Engineers have been known to
grouse that while pop stars and sports figures
get lots of attention, engineers labor in the
shadows, and, like Rodney Dangerfield, “don’t
get no respect.”
But times are changing and
television executives had better pay heed.
Ultimately they will have to let us become part
of the act. It will happen slowly and TV
producers ought not to anticipate Super Bowl
ratings — not immediately, anyway.
It may start like this: Boomer
Esiason and Terry Bradshaw are languishing in
the off season and are offered an experimental
show tentatively entitled “Monday Morning
Quarterbacking for Engineers, Nerds and Anyone
Else Interested.” With some reluctance, they
sign on, and one of the shows goes like this:
Bradshaw: “Well, Boomer, today
we are lucky to have Sam Feedbock here in the
studio to tell us how he sees the big picture.
As you’ve probably heard, Sam has just been
granted his one hundred and thirty-fourth
patent, and his colleagues think he is a shoo-in
for election to the National Academy of
Engineering.”
Esiason: “Great, Terry, and
great to have you with us, Sam. We hear you are
very gung-ho about your new development — the
Z-pod. How’s it going?”
Feedbock: “Well, Boomer, I
appreciate your interest. First, we’ve got to
acknowledge the importance of VPNs. They may be
based on IPsec, or maybe not. There is always
SSL to consider. Then there’s . . . "
Esiason: “Excuse me, Sam,
Professor Quillwigger has just joined us from
his laboratory at MIT. Let’s give him a chance
to comment.”
Quillwigger: “Be glad to,
Boomer. I agree with Sam in general, but think
it expedient to inject the following caution —
or precaution, as the case may be — heh! heh!
Because of the historiography, and, possibly,
the entomology of the case at hand, we must
consider several factors, which may be exogenous
with respect to the current problem. And by
current I do not mean electric current — heh!
heh! Heterogeneity, multidatabase transactions,
and generic algorithms all must be considered. I
think. Of course, Professor Whistledorf at
Stanford does not agree with this mostly, or by
and large, possibly, I think.”
At this point the alert viewer
notices that Esiason is having difficulty
keeping his eyes open, and Bradshaw is trying
hard to stifle a yawn. But Quillwigger
continues:
“On the other hand, you must
remember that while machines can’t talk, they do
have opinions. On second thought, some of them
can talk! Then too, OVF defines an XML wrapper
that encapsulates virtual machines and provides
a common interface so that the VMs can run on
any virtualization system that supports OVF. I
am certain of this because I read it in an IEEE
Computer Society publication . . .”
Esiason: “Thank you, Prof.
Quillwigger. We are almost out of time, but
before we wrap it up, Prof. Whistledorf is on
the line from Stanford. He heard your remarks
and wanted to add his own. Professor Whistledorf?”
[A still photo of the professor
comes up on the screen, and the audio link is
completed.]
Whistledorf: “Yes, with all due
respect to Prof. Quillwigger, I think we’ve got
to take him out of the mix. I’m really pumped
up. We’ve got to keep doin’ what we’re doin’,
stay focused, and avoid mistakes. What we need
is an emotional leader and remember that
everything is dirty in the trenches! If we’re
going to run the table we’ve got to have faith
in the operation, take it project by project,
and stay focused on the next game — I mean the
next project. It’s all about momentum! We’ve got
to execute at a high level. We want to win. We
expect to win. We will win!”
Esiason: “Thank you, Professor.
It appears that you see the Z-pod as a
completely different ballgame than Professor
Quillwigger does. I’m sure many of our viewers
appreciated your enthusiasm. And to Prof.
Quillwigger, good luck to you at MIT and thanks
for your technical comments on Sam’s invention.
Sam, do you have any final comments?”
Bradshaw (off-camera to Esiason):
“Sam left about an hour ago. Said he had a
headache and may call us in the morning. Or
not.”
Esiason (off-camera in an aside
to Bradshaw): “I’m not doin’ this again! How
many days till training starts?”
Bradshaw: “We’ve got one more
show to do — maybe we can get some robots to
come on.”
Esiason: “Great idea! Let’s grab
them before they sign on with the competition!”
Bradshaw: “Here’s another possibility. I read in
IEEE Spectacle magazine that an electrical
engineer living in Tahiti is perfecting an
artificial heart that can be implanted in
jellyfish. Sounds like a dream job to me!”
Esiason: “Great! Sounds like a
dream trip to me. Can we film on location?”
Bradshaw: “I sure hope so. If the network execs
can’t come up with enough to cover our expenses,
maybe we can get a grant from the National
Science Foundation. They might even spring for that new
fishing rod I saw in the Cabela's catalogue.
We’ll probably be near the surf with the
jellyfish guy anyway.
“And, I’ve gotta tell ya, I do
like Prof. Whistledorf’s style — straightforward
and takes the mystery out of a complex technical
subject. Connects with the average citizen.
Maybe we can work him into the show as a
regular. He needs a little coaching, though. I’d
like him to throw in a few more ‘greats’ and a
‘yuh know’ once in a while. He could be big with
the viewers.”
Postscript: Might it be that the
pop world is not ready for us? Perhaps the
concomitant glamour and/or notoriety should best
be reserved for the likes of Michael Jordan, Tom
Brady, Lindsay Lohan or Madonna.
Donald Christiansen is the former editor and
publisher of IEEE Spectrum and an independent publishing
consultant. He can be reached at
donchristiansen@ieee.org.
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